Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Death of Bracknell

Like all great civilisations, from Ancient Greece to the British Empire, decadence heralds the end. The fabric of a society dissolves as its common vision disintegrates. After several hundred glorious space-age years as the world’s leading city of the future, Bracknell has fallen. The prevalence of nuclear powered moon scooters as the only viable means of transport; the grey, stately boulevards of nameless cafes and charity shops flanked by magnificent, faceless monolithic tower blocks; the glorious overhead concrete walkways; the August plastic Christmas tree and robot reindeer; the alfresco dining off of the top of rubbish bins. Yes, all these are gone with the onslaught of agruably the most brutal cultural revolution ever witnessed. All this history, so treasured by its residents for so long, is to be swept aside by "The Lexicon, Bracknell”. Like its pathetically and equally meaninglessly named partner "The Oracle, Reading” this will purportedly provide Bracknellovians with “town centre life as it should be.” In reality, it will provide the poor residents with a lowest-common-denominator, couldn’t-possibly-be-dumbed-down-any-further environment, i.e. a replica of every single town centre in the UK. This soul-killing disease, now infecting all the UK’s town centres has finally claimed its greatest prize and, like the fall of Roman Britain, has plunged the entire country into a new Dark Age in which ideas and the pursuit of original thinking are swept aside and even persecuted. Now Bracknell has fallen we have all silently succumbed to a corporate nightmare, controlled by investors who all live somewhere else. Like our town centres, our individual originality has being eroded away almost completely. Our environment is demanding that we become clones who watch what we are told to see, listen to what we are told to hear, go where we are told to go and be what we are told to be. The Bracknellian resident, once a subversive and endlessly creative individual clad in charity shop gear, cruising on his/her nuclear powered moon scooter along the concrete highways of the space-age town centre in a belted trouser suit will be no more. Bracknellians will now dress in the uniform dictated by Top Shop, Primark, Dorothy Perkins and Burtons. They will read celebrity biographies bought from Sainsbury's and shuffle about "The Lexicon, Bracknell" from McDonald’s to Burger King while footling with and staring at their iPhone. They will sit on the bolted-to-the-floor fast-food furniture discussing mindless television programmes Premiership football and the fortunes of celebrities they will never meet and whose lives will never have anything to do with their own. Bracknell is gone. The once proud space-age concrete cold war city of the future is no more. It has been obliterated by a cancer of colourful and vacuous cloning. Bracknell and all it stood for is dead and, with it, in a way, so are we: yes, every one of us. 


The lie. This is the "vision" of the new Lexicon, Bracknell. It's "a place to shop, a place to meet and a place to breather the air", apparently without any shops in the middle of a field.
The tragic reality finally revealed: the promise of nothing less than a clone of every single other town centre in the UK.


Friday, 4 September 2015

Zardoz The Great

In addition to the town council, Bracknell is ruled by a mysterious alien force known as Zardoz The Great, or so Bracknellian lore has it. To the horror of the town council, on the day the Bracknell town centre "Regeneration" was announced, the sky went mental (see picture attached) and a huge booming voice was heard everywhere, just like on that episode of Star Trek, or it could have been Space 1999. Nobody could tell if the voice was just in their heads but it seemed to be roaring something about "betrayal" and "Bar Torino and the Bus Station Café not good enough for you then, eh?" Under the town centre Regeneration programme, both these establishments have been scheduled for demolition and will be replaced by Starbucks or Costa or something. In any event, upon encountering the resulting wrath of Zardoz The Great, the Bracknellians all raced their moon scooters for cover into Bar Torino and the Bus Station Café and nobody has been seen outside since.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

The Market

This is Bracknell's "The Market": easily the grandest and most ambitious structure ever created by mankind. It's so big, you can't fit it into one picture; or even two pictures. The image below represents about 13% of the total surface area of the front wall. 
Ever mindful of its commitment to space age technology, Bracknell's town council installed huge gravity modulating machines next to the front doors, shifting the gravitational force inside the building through 90 degrees such that the outside wall you are looking at now became the ceiling. Once powered, the inside of The Market became, instantly and literally, the largest vertical market in the world. Within hours of opening, the back wall, i.e. the floor, became a bustling, air conditioned shoppers' paradise several hundreds of acres in size: a bustling hive of constantly eating customers humming about on moon scooters, fast food, weapon dogs, designer labels and electronic gadgets. Within a year of opening, The Market won the CBI's award for the best venue for consumers to wander about aimlessly trying to find something to buy a bit newer and more "awesome" than the same sort of thing they and their friends already have but which will certainly be superseded within a few months by another thing nearly the same but a bit newer and more "awesome".
Sadly, having served the Bracknellian community loyally for almost 50 trouble-free years, The Market is due to be demolished. A terrible disaster resulting from a power cut caused the gravity modulators to fail and approximately 2,000 moon scooters fell hundreds of feet into an enormous stack of broken wheels, handlebars, nuclear power units, half eaten burgers, horrifically hot apple turnovers, electronic gadgets and flaccid, jelly like corpses. It took International Rescue at least two episodes of Thunderbirds to clear the mess. There are, as yet, no plans to rebuild The Market. 


Monday, 8 September 2014

Perpetual Christmas

Bracknell's authorities are always keen to give the city's residents more of a good thing; and who doesn't love Christmas?! For this reason, the Bracknell General Assembly has declared a permanent state of  festivity. That's right: in Bracknell, every day is Christmas day, 365 days a year, every year. As a consequence, Bracknell is one of the only places in the Northern Hemisphere where parched shoppers can take shelter from the raging, blistering sunshine in the shade of a massive, 60 foot, sparkling, plastic Christmas tree complete with life size nativity scene.

Friday, 11 July 2014

New Rules For Pedestrians

In order to prevent further injuries to pedestrians, from the 1st of August, no walking will be permitted in Bracknell. Despite initiatives including free tokens entitling everyone to their first hour free on a nuclear powered moon scooter and/or a 50% discount on the purchase of the same, some less well educated residents have insisted on continuing to walk about the town's shopping centre and pavements. In a statement yesterday Bracknell Councillor Martin Landau said "The complete chaos resulting from the frankly primitive behaviour of these stubborn pedestrians means, regrettably, that radical action from the authorities is now necessary. From the beginning of August, walking will be allowed only in private homes and then only until stair lifts have been installed, which will be compulsory by the beginning of August next year."

Endless Summer

For the residents of Bracknell, the balmy July days stretch out into the seemingly endless tapestry of the Bracknellovian summer.

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Photogenic Bracknell

Some cities just have it: that certain something. Bracknell is one of these. Like the works of a great composer whose style is instantly recognisable, each view of Bracknell is distinct and yet unmistakably Bracknellian. This is Bracknell's bus station café, the place that Edward Hopper came for inspiration just prior to committing "Nighthawks At The Diner" to canvas. Hopper's painting, however, fails to capture the sophistication of the Bracknellian environment. Bracknell's authorities have thought of everything: from the featureless expanse of tarmac outside to the out-of-order disabled toilets, nothing is left to chance at the anonymous café.